Shifting my gaze

Why is that so much is expected from a woman, and yet she does not express? And if by any miracles she expresses, it takes people aback. Why is it difficult to understand that she might get fed up with many expectations of being an 'ideal' daughter, mother and wife, and lately combined role of breadwinner as well. Why is that resilience, patience, and care is valued so much from women that they suffer in silence thinking that it is the 'right' way of being a woman. As a woman pursuing PhD, I have been asking where do I stand, what are my refined and re-learned values as a person, not a woman. Lately, I have discovered I want to break free from my responsibilities, and zillions of expectations to look after my house, children, parents, partner, social engagement, job, etc. And where does my dream count? Not every woman, particularly at this era, want to marry and feel a 'complete' woman after birthing their children. Complete is absolutely relative term. Will someone feel complete washing dirty dishes of every members of the family all day through her life? Does someone want to cook and clean all through their life? Is it too much to expect support from family at this instance? Honestly, I have changes my perspective of ideal woman. Previously, I was compliant, and many times such socialisation didn't bother me but lately I am changing, thanks to my research, conversation at university, and more of my self-reflection (so should family and society).

These days, I want to break free; I want to get mad (at myself, at my so-called well-wisher society, at my confining mindset); I want to scream; I want to get angry; I want to lose my shit! And most importantly, I want others to take this normally. I also want to travel extensively, see people and their perspective, wander aimlessly, disappear for few months on purpose. I want people to realise and internalise the suppressed screams and bottled-up feelings. As a woman, you are supposed to be calm and composed, and I ask why? Just because you are a woman? What hogwash! I was born with the same feelings and emotions as my brother, and yet I am not supposed to dream alike? Raise my voice for the things that matters to me when I am able to decide! I ask people to let me speak for myself. I am not a child anymore, and please listen and understand where I am coming from. Keep your horizons broad and clear, and respect my perspective. Is this too much to ask for?